fawnthinkingoutloud

Purple Haze

Purple Haze

Yesterday I attended the Celebration service for a family friend.

When I walked into the sanctuary of Mariners Church I immediately felt at peace. The color purple flooded over the instruments filling the stage from the surrounding lights as the singers and musicians dressed in black began to quietly take their places. The most exquisite flower arrangements in lavender, purple and white were surrounding her at the foot of the stage. Two very large screens displayed her image with the words – Janice Freeman Neuble 1985 – 2019.

I was taken with how lovely it all was. I stared at her photo. Shaved head, flawless makeup, standing tall and strong. A beautiful black woman. She was looking over her left shoulder into the distance. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking at that moment when the photographer snapped the shot. Did she have any idea that this would be the shot to represent her at this moment? Perhaps she was checking to see if death was gaining on her since she had been outrunning him ever since she was a small child when the doctor told her mother not to expect her to live very long. She battled with various illnesses all her life, pushing through to live her dreams and share the voice God gave her with the world, giving Him the glory the whole way. I was inspired thinking of her bravery and accomplishments. A feeling of celebration was stirring up within me. I knew her spirit was still alive and strong, somehow bigger. I looked over my left shoulder and saw the family.

They were broken, standing in line to take one last look at her beautiful face. They were crying, holding each other up from collapsing. My heart was struck with compassion for them and my eyes immediately filled with tears. I wept for them. Those left behind.

It reminded me of a story from the bible that surrounded the verse. “Jesus wept”. Lazarus laid sick and dying. His friends went to find Jesus. He had healed so many people. People he did not know. They were sure he would come running when he heard about his beloved friend’s condition. Jesus took his time. Made a couple stops along the way. Being about his father’s business. When he finally arrived, Lazarus had been dead for four days. As he approached, a few met him to tell him that Lazarus was dead. Jesus replied that he is only sleeping. Jesus knew that the spirit doesn’t die, and the flesh is subject to his power and authority. He had already been to the place where we go when we die. He was at peace. Then he saw the family.

They were broken. Weeping and holding each other up. Lazarus’ sister told him that her brother would not have died if he had gotten there on time. He comforted them. That moment was the first time Jesus knew the pain of being human and being left behind. Then he immediately went to Lazarus’ tomb and raised him from the dead. Jesus knew that after he left this world that he would have to send a comforter. He did. Holy Spirit.

Oh yeah, Miley Cyrus came to the celebration. She had been Janice’s coach on The Voice. She was wearing a simple black suit, loose pony tail and no makeup, no bling. Not the Miley that I was used to seeing on T.V. but she was the Miley that Janice had described so many times; generous and genuine. Between sobs she explained that she asked her Father to come and sing because she didn’t think she could get through the song without crying. The band played behind Billy Ray Cyrus as he sat in a chair playing his guitar singing, Amazing Grace. Miley harmonized with her Daddy at the moments that she could manage without crying. It was beautiful.

The first thing Miley said when she walked on stage, “Let me get one thing straight. I was never Janice’s coach! She was my coach. Everything I know about love, Janice taught me.”

Well done, Janice.

Who Do You Say I Am?

So many of us accept our identities from information that could easily auto fill into a standard application. Name, birth date, gender, marital status, place of birth, education, occupation, income. If we identify ourselves by these pieces of information we can get lost in life. We can find ourselves asking the question; Who do you say I am?

When I first started to consider the idea of starting a blog I wondered how I would describe myself. I felt that whatever I listed first would most define me. Should I start with my gender, marital status or spiritual beliefs? I felt that immediately people would start dropping me in a box, organizing me into a category or putting a label on me. Labels are great for food packaging and organizing drawers but for people, not so much.

So, I decided that my blog would be a safe place for people to share who they are, what they believe, their struggles, their triumphs and what they’ve learned in this life without judgement or correction. If you want to criticize, disrespect or influence people to think like you think there are plenty of other places to park your agenda.

This blog is birthed from my love of connection. Connecting to others, people (and animals) on a soul level. To connect with someone when the guards are down, and both are sharing from a private and intimate place is when I feel most alive. At times it can be painful and that’s ok too. A woman must endure intense pain to bring another soul into this world. Wow. I had to ponder that for a moment. Another soul enters through her body. Not the first time that I’ve heard that but for some reason it struck me differently today. (Thinking out loud))

When death takes a soul from this world, those left behind feel pain. Pain is inevitable. The time between these two events is a journey we call life. One thing that I’ve learned about myself from this life is that I am a visitor to this earthly realm to learn and give as much as I can. To push through pain and fear and find the treasures waiting to be discovered. So, this is me widening my circle of engagement to know and be known.

I am a cerebral person. I love to ponder. I can spend hours at a time alone doing this or writing in a journal and there have been a select few of whom I have shared such ponderings. So, this is Fawn Thinking Out Loud. I hope you enjoy my reflections of reality and imagination. I invite you to share who you are, your stories, revelations, losses and gains. Perhaps we can learn from, inspire or encourage one another.

I feel inclined to now share with you some of my categories and labels in no particular order.

Woman, actor, mom, healer, friend, lover, hater, native, employee, intercessor, neighbor, peculiar, wife, daughter, sister, step mom, singer, sinner, mulatto, half breed, baby boomer, teacher, entertainer, writer, murderer, saved, abused, Dodger fan, Female, child of God, star, aerobics instructor, fit, chubby, CNA, heiress, ghost buster, martial artist, talent, wealthy, broke , homeless, fighter, blessed, broken, healed, meat, Jesus freak, stalked, plaintiff, defendant, temple, single, married, divorced, warrior, unemployed, beautiful, flawed, perfect.

Now that you know me, who do you say I am?